The NORAD tracking system found Santa was able to deliver gifts to the cash-starved, isolated, totalitarian state. As the map shows, the gifts have already been delivered, but sources indicate a deal was struck with Kim Jong Il, Chairman of the National Defense Commission of Korea, and Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army.

According to rumor, bilateral negotiations were conducted with Santa’s chief  negotiator, Bernard the elf and Kim Kye-Gwan, in a separate sessions in Beijing China Dec. 9-10. According to anonymous sources, the talks nearly broke down due to serious disagreements on how the gifts should be distributed:

Bernard and Kim Kye-Gwan were in a shouting match in disagreement that Santa had no interest in the internal political affairs of the DPRK and simply wishes to verify the gifts were not diverted. Santa will not budge on this point, and [Bernard the elf] assured Kim Kye-Gwan he will deliver the gifts when people are asleep.

Kim Kye-Gwan disagreed loudly that the DPRK has its own system, and the state will distribute the gifts and Santa can leave the gifts at Chongjin’s main port.

The talks took a recess after much wrangling and shouting, leaving both sides of the table frustrated and angry. The next session resumed on Dec. 10, long after the deadline of Santa’s final preparations for departure to deliver Christmas gifts around the world, added extra pressure on Bernard the elf to settle a deal with the reclusive country. An aide close to Bernard the elf, talking on conditions of anonymity because of the sensitive nature of the talks and privacy concerns of Santa’s operations declared:

Bernard [the elf] was getting an earful from Santa during a remote private board meeting back at the North Pole and Beijing. The deadline was approaching, and wanted a deal to be done as soon as possible to deliver the gifts on time. Bernard tried explaining to Santa the negotiations were not going well, and he may have to think of another alternative for delivery.

Santa was further exasperated by the fact every year the DPRK’s conditions for delivery changed based on political conditions in the west. We have no political ties with Washington, Seoul or Tokyo. We are a completely neutral party concerned for the well-being of people of all walks of life and cultures.

Last year, the gifts were delivered on time, provided Santa removed his sleigh bells and did not deliver to sensitive military installations. Santa was denied several large portions of the country, and he suspected they were not only military installations with denied delivery points.

When the session was reconvened late on the 10th of December, a breakthrough in the bilateral negotiations was announced when Santa Claus and North Korea’s leader, Kim Jong Il agreed via telephone the gifts could be delivered on similar conditions set last year with the added restrictions the gifts be inspected by checkpoint security and Rudolf the red-nose reindeer dim the guiding light.

North Korea’s leader also asked for increased cash aid from the jolly man in the red suit, but was turned down because he has been on the naughty list for 27 years. The same aide confirmed the decision:

Santa Claus rarely gives lumps of coal, because he understands people make mistakes. Santa explained while Kim Jong Il did not qualify for cash aid under our bylaws, he did assure Kim Jong Il he did have a chance to mend his ways and the coal could be used to heat homes in the energy strapped territories.

The meeting with Bernard the elf and Kim Kye-Gwan ended without shaking of hands, and both went their separate ways. Nobody else was aware of the meeting because of the sensitive nature of the negotiations according to the same aide of Santa himself.

Obviously, none of this is true; happy holidays from DPRK Forum!

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